Category: parenting

The loneliness of becoming a parent.

by Charlie-Jane, posted in family life, lifestyle, Mental health, parenting, Uncategorized

One thing i never expected to be as a mother was lonely.Considering when you have a child you are never really alone but nobody really explains what can happen when you have a baby. When you have a baby your days become nappies, cuddles and children toys. When you have a child although you are always with your child the thing you miss the most is adult conversation. Before having a child you may of gone out to the coffee shops near by on your days off to meet with your friends or thought nothing of going to meet your friends at pm for a movie or going to a bar for drinks. However when you have a child you can no longer just go out and when you do you are EXHAUSTED you no longer want to go out late at night and trips are shorter as you’re thinking about getting home to your child.

Another thing i never thought would affect me too much is when people cancel on you as a mother. It’s inevitable people are going to cancel because one reason or another but when you become stuck at home with no plans it can get a bit lonely. Also i never realised that having no plans day after day at some points can be incredibly lonely. I miss the adult conversation i love my child but at the end of the day he is a child. While i talk to him like a adult so that his language and speech has always been as good as it can be i can’t talk to him about adult subjects. Although don’t get me wrong talking about animals, singing all the songs from the lion king on repeat and saying all the words to trolls with Elijah every day of my life is a blast. However sometimes i crave talking to other adults. I become a bit fixated on my phone and crave a text of someone else when i have been stuck in. When i worked i didn’t think about the loneliness of being a mum because i still worked and saw my friends or relaxed on the days i had off. However since stopping worked i have realised a lot of both my human and adult conversation has really been taken away from me.

I get quite excited for my husband to come home sometimes so he can tell me about his day and so that we can have a adult conversation that normally comes back to our son anyway. I try to meet up with other mums as much as i can and take Elijah to play groups. This isn’t just for his development but for my own sanity too, this enables me to get out and hold a conversation with other people and feel normal again.I also try to be friendly to others in the hope that i could perhaps make friends too. I also try to meet up with friends every now and then without Elijah so that i can talk about something other than children and just be charlie. I want to talk about whats happening in other peoples lives and get to know them and keep my personality as not just a mum but also charlie who was there first.

Although i completely adore being a mother even if to some people my blog posts may sound like i’m moaning about being a mum (i’m not i am just being honest) . At the end of the day my son has made me into this brave strong woman and i love who Elijah is making me become. I know i will never be alone while i have him but i also miss the part of me who was social and had a social life before him. It is a shame that when you have a child keeping a social life has to be so hard and that friends who do not have children sometimes do not always understand the restrictions that come with being a mum. However i think that perhaps this period of loneliness may be short lived. I always see mums in the playground becoming friends and that is what i hope for as i get older that i will make more friends with other mums perhaps helping at Elijah’s school or something when hes older. I will always have my little family to keep me happy and sane and i thank my lucky stars for them each and everyday. Even if the discussion is mainly about hey duggee and mickey mouse at the moment.

The pressure to have more children.

by Charlie-Jane, posted in family life, lifestyle, parenting

Quite often the subject of having more children inevitably comes up with family, friends and even strangers. I’ve written previously on whether i want another child or not in a previous blog post but i think i guessed things would change as Elijah got older. I have always wanted a few children but since having Elijah my opinion has changed. At the moment i’m unsure if i want another child. If i was to fall pregnant again i wouldn’t be sad or anything but at the moment i am happy being a mother of one. I quite like being able to give him all my time and energy and i think he thrives from that too. I don’t want to feel obligated into having anymore children.

However as Elijah has gotten older more people have told me i should have another child just so my son doesn’t feel lonely. First of all this is not a reason to have a child. You don’t have a child to make a little friend, you make a child because you want to bring life to the world and expand your family. It is possible to be a only child and happy. I have experience of both being a only child and then a sibling. I grew up with my mum and i was her only child and until i was 9 and i didn’t have any siblings (that i see). I can honestly say that i did not ever feel lonely and i only really felt somewhat lonely when there where 2 tiny babies around the home and i was a bit lost in my role as a sister at this age.Obviously my brothers and I are close and i love my with all my heart but i don’t think my mum decided to have another child because i was lonely.

I kind of feel a bit anxious when people talk to me about having more children. I get alot of family members like my parents and grandparents telling me to have more children. I know they don’t mean to cause offence but i kind of feel like is that all i am now? a baby maker? I also kind of think do they not think Elijah is enough or something? Has he become boring to them or do they want another newer model to play with? I am sometimes left questioning why it is brought up so often aswell i at least hear it from a family member or two at least once a month. Is me saying i’m happy as we are at the moment not enough? Like i am not going to have another child just to please my family.Which to be honest sounds like something i would do to the extreme where i have this need to please everyone and not offend anyone. Family seem to forget sometimes that people do have control over there own lives as they get older.

Strangers also have a big role in talking to you in public when with your child and say oh when will you have another one? First of all i do not know you and i will never speak to you again so why do you need to know or care? It is a bit odd going up to a stranger and saying when will you have another one or oh they need a baby brother/sister! If you have to say something talk about how happy my child is or something!

Also i have noticed a lot of media /films/ tv series and the online world only really shares family as at least four people. It is really rare i will watch a film or series when there is someone be it a child or adult that a only child and doesn’t have some sort of brother or sister. I also find as well that people seem to react better when people have more than one child like it means you’re a more wholesome family or something like that.

I think as well as other people putting pressure onto us i think we put pressure on to ourselves. Like when i give Elijah clothes to charity sometimes i feel guilt like i should be keeping his clothes just in case we have another child. I also sometimes think about being pregnant again and having a newborn and then i feel somewhat pressure like that’s what i should do again just because i have a thought that pops into my head. I also feel like i set plans in my head when i was younger of the perfect family of four and because of that i think my mind sometimes still thinks that’s the dream. Even though dreams can change when your reality changes. I think my health has a part to play also since being diagnosed with endometriosis i have a slight concern i may not be able to have more children one day and that means I need to rush it.

Maybe one day i might change my mind and want another child but at the moment we are happy. That is okay. I never say to my friends or family oh you should have another child because i know it can trigger people sometimes.Also remember when you may be saying this to people they could possibly be going things and not telling people such as miscarriages, IVF, fertility issues or mental health issues.

It is okay to not want more children and even a child at all if someone has decided not to have kids. It is not our business what happens in anyone else’s life but our own. So lets not try to pass our opinions to others that can cause upset. Having a baby is a BIG responsibility that lasts the rest of your life. It is not something like getting something that is temporarily cute and little like a puppy.

You also should not have to defend if you do not wish to have anymore children and you are also entitled to change your mind. If i was to wake up tomorrow and want to change my mind and want a child that is okay and my choice. It will not be because someone told me too. Remember your life is your life and your choices are your own and you do not have to justify them.

Why it’s hard being ill when you’re a parent.

by Charlie-Jane, posted in family life, lifestyle, Mental health, parenting

When you become a parent you have certain responsibilities that come with the job role. From the day they are born you need to meet your own and their needs at the same time. That means feeding them, cleaning them and their environment aswell as keeping them happy aswell as taking care of yourself. But what about when you’re ill?

When you’re ill you are still a parent. Although unlike previously when you where childless you where able to just feel ill. You where able to stay in bed completely undisturbed and look after yourself untill you felt better. However when you have children that’s gone. You have to cook, clean, entertain a child and look after their every need while desperately wanting a nap or be able to just feel ill for a minuite. Also being a parent typically mean they catch your illness or you’ve caught there’s and not only do you feel rubbish but they do too. You then struggle with being ill and trying to keep them happy when they get really grizzly and do things like refuse food and water exetera. On top of this you have to cook and clean your house so you have a clean household to live in and keep your strength up. Typically unless you have a great support system from family you have to do the caring all by yourself. You can’t ship them off to someone else why you recoperate and even if you do they come back at the end of the day and still need all their needs met and all your energy.

It’s hard to want to still do things you would want to do when you’re normallly I’ll. for example if I was feeling a little under the weather I would still go to meet my friends for coffee or something but since having a kid I’m less likely too because not only will I feel a bit bad but I’m also grouchy because typically Elijah will pick up when I feel bad and be naughty and everything is ten times more exhausting. Kids really for some reason sense when you feel unwell and for some reason they get a little naughty and I have no idea why even if you act normal when feeling ill.

Also if you’re having a bit of a bad mental health day there’s no break from that either. You can’t just say please stop tantruming because mummy’s feeling a little upset today because they just wouldn’t understand. There is no personal space or dealing with your emotions in ways you used to be able to. Before having Elijah I used to have down days where I would relax in bed for the day watching greys anatomy with food and to be left alone. I would then normally feel okay the next day and like I’d calmed down. But with a child there is no escaping for the day or being able to feel your emotions out in the open as it upsets them too. You also have to put a brave face on every day and act like everything’s okay and it’s so hard. It’s hard to not be honest with your feelings or be able to take a break.

It’s okay as a parent to ask for help when you feel ill from family and your other half’s. It doesn’t make you a better mum for struggling in silence or a worse mum for accepting help. If someone is willing to help take the help because at the end of the day your health is so important. If you can’t get help I salute you too because a lot of the time I don’t get any help either and it can be so exhausting so I’m thankful when ever a offer is there.

Mum shaming is a real issue.

by Charlie-Jane, posted in family life, lifestyle, Mental health, parenting

One thing i see a lot of on social media is mum shaming. People who hide behind a keyboard and publicly put mothers down because of how they are raising their children.This isn’t limited to social media as people will do this in public, on the playground, playgroups and just about anywhere. People really feel that motherhood is a competition now. Being a mother is so hard these days because not only have we got to try and raise a tiny human but we also have to do it in a digital world where people judge every last thing you do.

I really hate seeing people mum shame. Especially online or loudly in public so they can be heard. E.g at a restaurant when someone loudly moans about someone’s toddler crying and how the mums dealing with it. I mean sometimes you can’t help but to judge someone elses parenting style as it is different to your own but you absolutely do not say it to them as that may cause upset. I feel really horrid for celebrities sometimes. Because peoples jealousy turns them into keyboard warriors that feel they can hide behind a screen while being horrid to someone else. Take the kardashians for example whatever they do upsets someone. They could feed their child a carrot and someone would be upset and call them uptight for buying a organic carrot or evil because its not chocolate. It must be so hard having your parenting ripped apart by others every day constantly and being able to see what people say as well must take you to pretty dark places seeing this over and over. I once was trolled and it felt awful. I was told i was a terrible mother because i once spoke about how we shouldn’t judge how people feed their babies. I have no idea where they got that from but just the words where enough to make me cry and make me want to delete my blog which has been therapeutic for me. I honestly can’t see why people have to directly mum shame knowing that this will cause upset.

I’ve also seen quite a few people i follow on Instagram be given a lot of grief on Instagram for simply posting things like toys, days out exetera. It’s like people can’t do anything to please these people. A lot of it is competition i think. I don’t know why people need to get so mean to try and win some make believe contest in their heads. It doesn’t make you a better parent to mum shame someone. It doesn’t set a good example for your children or for yourself. I want to teach my child to be kind and not to bring others down. I would never want to make someone feel sad or doubt their mothering style or anything like that. You already as a mother have to contend with the thoughts i’m not good enough, am i doing enough? can i be better?Without someone telling you that you aren’t good enough like it is at all constructive. Obviously if your worried about something you could always politely message them in a kind way and speak about your concerns but nasty comments especially publicly are not acceptable ever.

Be kind always. Just because someone parents differently than you please do not upset someone by telling them your thoughts. You are entitled to your own thoughts but please just keep them as that just thoughts. You never know what someone is going through so try to spread happiness not sadness.

Parenting is not a competition.

by Charlie-Jane, posted in family life, lifestyle, parenting

For some reason the second you have your child the competition starts. Be it about how big your child’s birth weight was, how well they slept and how much they cry. People feel the need to compare every last detail about your child to there’s. Silly things like how much hair they have to if they’re reaching a milestone first. It is a totally toxic world out there. It doesn’t stop with parents though I’ve had grandparents make competitions of their children’s development thirty years ago and they try to out do you! My own Nan once told me she potty trained my uncle at six months when i was telling her how we where trailing potty training. I for one no its total BS considering he couldn’t talk or walk then. My grandma since confirmed too that was a lie. I honestly don’t see why people feel the need to compete their child against another.

Especially when children are young the development stage is something parents and carers cling to. People ask are they talking yet? My child could say this many words how many could yours say? Oh is he not walking yet? Mine has been walking for months!

It can be so damaging as well,parents could be worrying about their child’s development behind closed doors and someone who is not a professional saying your child should be doing this that and the other creates all sorts of emotions. Especially as around this stage in young childhood is when signs of autism can occur and it can cause parents to worry constantly. The truth is alot of children can and do develop at their own rate. They may be slow to do things like talk or walk but when they are ready they will do it. There is no rush and i wish other parents would accept that. And if your child does have autism then that isn’t a bad thing it’s just a part of who they are and more love to give you will not care for the many less.

There is unfortunately a lot of jealousy in parents too because if their child isn’t doing something they sometimes try to beat other children’s accomplishments down. Sometimes they also like to compare and say well my child can do this and yours can’t. I understand this need and have felt it myself when someone has been beating down my child’s accomplishments for their own satisfaction.

There is a lot of behaviour comparison to which i have been guilty of too but i just wish people would stop lying about how perfect their children are as if every day is sunshine and rainbows.

At the end of the day it doesn’t really matter what your child can or cannot do in comparison to other children. It doesn’t matter if your child is a angel or a child who is so badly behaved you wonder how you will get through the day. Because i can guarantee you that those angel children have their bad days too no mater how much their parents only want to project their perfection to the world.

Remember your child is perfect too and will get to where they need to be when they get there. Just so long as your child is loved, your child is healthy and they are happy then what else matters really? Do you look at your peers and think oh well you CLEARLY weren’t sitting up at six months old and it shows. When you grow up these things do not matter any more. Someone who spent hours upon hours watching tv when they where younger could grow up to be a doctor, the same as someone who read books every day and attended every group under the sun could end up the complete opposite. So lets keep our opinions and comments to ourselves because really our opinions don’t matter. Also lets not compare our children. They are perfect to us and that is all that matters. They will always be perfect to us and they will achieve great things no matter what.

Our first class at little kickers.

by Charlie-Jane, posted in family life, lifestyle, parenting

After five months on the waiting list we finally got offered a place for the little kickers weekly classes. We have been excited to get him onto the class after we decided to stop swimming lessons due to parking and repetitiveness of the classes each week. We wanted to join a group that would be fun and teach him how to work with other children to work on his team work and communication. We saw a while ago a few celebrities had taken their children to little kickers and rugby tots so we decided we would try little kickers as they had a class near by.

So today we got to start lessons and it was quite a lovely little lesson. The coaches are very kind and lots of fun, the children adore them. The classes use lots of props and equipment such as cones, goals, mats, whistles, balls, teddies and mats. Today the kids where taught to shoot goals,pass balls and do obstacle courses. They also used play to teach them skills and control with the ball and speed.The children where all of the same age so it was lovely that there was no expectation of the children and their where all there just to play together and have fun. The lessons are not overly expensive at 30 a month and the classes are intimate too for more hands on lessons.We really enjoyed the session and Elijah was smiling and giggling the whole time. He really looked adorable in his little outfit to and we are excited for next weeks session. The best part was when the children where all given a high five and a sticker for doing a good job! Elijah was very proud of himself and had to show everyone for the rest of the day!

Using a children’s centre

by Charlie-Jane, posted in family life, lifestyle, parenting

I’ve the years Elijahs been with us (and growing in my tummy) we’ve been to quite a few children centres and classes. A children’s centre is basically like a mini nursery class where there’s play activity’s and it’s free or sometimes a very small charge depending on what it is. We’ve been to quite a few and used to go weekly to one group close to us at a near by hall but it was only open until Elijah was walking so we had to stop going. We recently tried a new one and it is only about a twenty minuite walk. This new group is in the same place we did our hypnobirthing and a few community centre baby sensory classes in the early days. There was in and outdoor play and Elijah loved it. It had climbing frames, crafts tables, sensory items and outdoor toys and plenty of sensory bits. He spent all his time outdoors playing with balls, slides and other children. I think it is so important that children are around other children as much as they can because it is so good for their social development. I think it helps them make friends and also adjust to nursery/school life earlier. I’m quite lucky to have a boy who loves socialising and I think it may be due to always taking him out with other children as much as we can.

Although we love a bit of soft play and going out with our friends it’s become clear over the years that we want to try new things and make more friends. I think it’s nice to make mummy friends because your child has a friend and you do too. I think it’s easier to make new friends with mothers too because they understand what you’re going through and are easier to make plans with as it doesn’t require childcare for the day. You also can relate and talk about your kid which all parents love to do even if they say they don’t.

I think i will be taking Elijah weekly because he loved it so much and it was full of children. I enjoyed going out of my comfort zone, I’ve put it off quite often due to being anxious about new people but I went anyway and loved it. Lots of mums chatted to me while our children played and it was nice to have conversations with someone new. It was a great exsercise for Elijah too as he spent two hours running around and chasing other children and showing them things. It gave us play ideas we could do at home too such as sensory play with leaves and a mud kitchen. I’m all for anything that gets us out the house especially if it’s free. So why not look at your local children’s centre classes and try something new. We also go on the play bus too sometimes which is run by our children’s centre and Elijah loves it! He gets to sit and play on a bus which has a slide, dress up, colouring, toys and even a sandpit. It’s also a double decker bus which is very colourful which is a definite plus. Why not try something new and use a children’s centre. Remember it’s funded by the government so if you don’t use it, it won’t get funded. Use it or lose it!

How I handle my toddlers mood swings.

by Charlie-Jane, posted in family life, parenting

The terrible twos have got that reputation for the very reason that they can be terrible. Your child is growing at an amazing rate and is struggling to cope with all the information they are taking in. remember in school when you would get frustrated with all the information you’re taking in that’s your child constantly. Even when they’re asleep they’re little minds are growing and learning. So it’s only natural and completely understandable that they explore their emotions and push boundaries as they do this to learn what behaviours are acceptable too. And of course you are not a terrible parent if you get frustrated. You’d have to be such a saint not to get stressed when somebody screams, throws things at you and throws themselfs on the floor in public day after day. You are not a bad parent for sometimes raising your voice or getting overwhelmed and having a tear or two after being on your own all day and not being able to have five minuites to yourself.

I have days like this too. Things get too much and sometimes I snap and have a cry or get upset. But that’s normal as a human we feel so deeply so we feel others struggles and also feel a bit overwhelmed when anger is taken out on us all day. But it’s how we deal with this everyday that can make or break us. When Elijahs mid tantrum now I will calmly tell him what he’s doing is wrong and not acceptable behaviour. I tell him I understand he is upset and why he is upset and then I walk away and give him a moment. This allows me to breath and calm down too so he doesn’t see me upset as this can make him worse. I then repeat myself and do this again. If I do crack sometimes as we all do and have shouted at him when things have calmed down later I will apologise for shouting and explain why I did. I want a relationship with him where he learns to apologise for bad behaviour and also to understand that I don’t hate him and why I behaved how I did. I feel when I was younger I would of appreciated this being done to me so I try to do this as much as I can. At the end of a hard day I like to go into his room and watch him sleep for a minute while he’s calm and still. I try to just breath and take him in. That it’s all worth it. So if you’re having a hard time just watch them sleep for a minute and remember what you’re doing this for. You’ve got this mamas and papas it’s hard but you’re growing a little person and it’s going to be hard nothing worth while is ever easy.

What we get up to at the weekend

by Charlie-Jane, posted in family life, lifestyle, parenting

It’s no secret that my favourite time of the week is Friday evening when the weekend starts. It means James has finished for the weekend and we get two whole days together as a family. There’s nothing I enjoy more. We’re always trying to make memories while also remembering resting and spending time together is important too.

Our weekend starts with a coffee from the other person made as we roll out of bed. On a Saturday I or James will have a lay in and on a Sunday we swap and the other person does. I say lay in but we always wake for about 9 am now. The other gets up with Elijah to give him breakfast and play with him. We normally then decide what we’ll do for the day if we haven’t already. We’ll decide somewhere family friendly to go and almost always will eat lunch out. If we go for a walk we have lunch after or before or if we go for a trip to town we will wind up at food at some point too. We quite often go for walks though and decide where on the day. For a treat we will often take Elijah for a day at soft play, to a museum or to the zoo. We normally do this on a Saturday.

After we’ve done our day plans we will normally come home for the evening shove on some pjs and watch something then have a small meal together before putting Elijah to bed and watching a film or series. Or we go too see family for tea and relax round there’s before returning to put Elijah to bed. On a Sunday we like to normally keep this as our chill day. Sometimes we’ll go for a walk or to the shops for something but mainly we like to relax. We get the housework deep cleaning done while Elijahs asleep for a nap. Things like washing, mopping, dusting, polishing, de scaling and scrubbing of rooms if I haven’t done it already. We spend the rest of the day cuddling up watching films, Playing with Elijah and doing some sort of arts or craft. We’ll do painting or do play dough or sometimes baking. We try to do a family activity as much as we can so we have real family time. Sometimes we will invite family or friends over but we normally like to cuddle up just the three of us.

We do like to try and do different things as much as possible so we go to different places for lunch, walks and more. We like to look out for events near us and look for different things in the area. We like to go to museums and to themed days and fates too. We often take strolls on the beach and end up on the amusements. We do love spending time together but also appreciate sometimes it’s nice to have our own time too. So sometimes I’ll go out with a friend or James will. Sometimes I’ll take Elijah out with me so James can have some time to himself. This happens very rarely though as we both agree we like to spend our weekends together and often go out weekdays instead with friends.

Looking forward to our next weekend where we are hoping to take Elijah to his favourite place the zoo! James has had too work the last two Saturdays so we’ve had to put of plans and relax more on sundays. What do you get up to at the weekend and have you got a set relaxation day too? What’s your favourite thing to do?!

The importance of the outdoors and your child

by Charlie-Jane, posted in family life, parenting

Children need exercise as much as they can but we often forget the greatest free activity there is which is exploring the outside world. Nothing beats a bit of fresh air and the wind in your hair so why do we often forget to take a walk on the wild side? Children absolutely adore the outdoors and it is so good for their development too. Not only learning to walk on different grounds but learning textures and the sensory play that comes from the outdoors. They love discovering new things and learning about the outdoors. They love to see different objects and different surroundings and using their imagination.

We love to explore the outside be it for walks in the park to feed the ducks and see the squirrels and hunt for leaves. Or whether it’s a run down a windy beach front to watch the waves crash against the rocks. We love walking through the forests and seeing dogs and talking about what we see and taking Elijahs bike. We look for the gruffalo and imagine the animals that could be hiding. We love building sandcastles in the sun on warm beaches or crabbing and feeding the crabs and letting them go. We enjoy trips to the park and pretending we’re in a house or on a helicopter ride or flying so high. We love finding muddy puddles to soak our wellies into and collecting pinecones and conkers for sensory games and arts and crafts at home. It is so important to enjoy this beautiful world we live in while it’s still so beautiful. The world is the greatest gift of them all and some of my happiest memories have always been outside. The wind and rain cannot stop us! Dress up warm find some wellies and return for a reward of a hot chocolate!