Month: December 2019

Being brave.

by Charlie-Jane, posted in lifestyle, Mental health

To many it would seem I was a loner in a cafe by myself. It would look like I was waiting for someone or I have no friends, but that wasn’t the case. I was quite simply being brave. I’m quite socially anxious when out on my own. Especially since having a child, walking through town with Elijahs become somewhat my security blanket. Even though I would sit in a cafe with Elijah being alone is something that scares me quite a bit. The anxiety that people are staring and judging is just a bit too much for me. I hate waiting for people on my own in public let alone being on my own and I actively avoid going out on my own.

On Friday after counselling I did something I would never normally do, I went to a cafe on my own. I ordered a drink and cake and didn’t rush myself. I sat there and just relaxed into my own company. I felt anxious at first walking in and sitting alone but I soon got to grips with the fact nobody cared and quite enjoyed myself. Small steps are big steps and one day I hope my anxiety will go but for now I’m trying little things to make myself a bit more happy.

My first session of counselling.

by Charlie-Jane, posted in lifestyle, Mental health

Today I went to my first proper counselling session. It felt odd but it was good. We touched on my upcoming surgery and how it’s causing me anxiety. We spoke about how I felt in my pregnancy and after my birth because that’s what triggered my worry about my upcoming abdominal surgery. We also touched on a few issues about childhood and my ability to block myself off and fall out with others.

At first I felt awkward, I found the woman quite condescending and being there stupid. But then I realised I’m defending myself and this woman is just nice and trying to work our why I’m here and help me. As the session went on it was a lot of me talking and her listening. She asked certain questions and it got me to respond and delve in deeper. She allowed me to feel safe and she seemed to give me time to feel, it felt like she was waiting for me to cry but I didn’t. I think I was to tense being my first time to fully let my guard down. I spent a lot of time looking at the door or at my cup of tea to try and avoid looking at her as it made me feel uncomfortable and like I’d cry.

I felt like I had a safe space to talk, I did not have to hide here as I didn’t know the woman. It made me feel oddly like I could open up. I think because I knew that’s what you do in counselling that it helped me. I’m not going to talk in big deal about what was uncovered today or overthought but I know that this was the first step. The first step to recovery is accepting help and I’ve done that. I’ve also accepted today that I have a lot of issues to work through and that I can feel better if I get it off my chest. Immediately after leaving I felt lighter. Emotionally and physically. I felt a bit more empowered. She helped me to decide to cancel my operation till I’m ready again and to allow myself to deal with that. She’s helped me realise that I’m not a bad person and that I’m not to blame for everything that happened to me.

I’m excited to see how the rest of my journey will go and how it’ll help me learn to control my thought process. I’m looking forward to feeling more in control and taking steps to be happy.

Celebrating Christmas when your a couple.

by Charlie-Jane, posted in family life, lifestyle

When you become a couple a time you never really think about is Christmas. You don’t know who you’ll spend it with and where you’ll spend it. You want to be together but also want to see family. The longer you’re together the more comfortable you become with each others family and it becomes less about your family and theirs it becomes our family and time is spent more equally between family’s. But what do you do when you both want to see your family? Firstly it’s about compromise it’s about taking turns each year and alternating plans. It’s about not over booking yourself so you can see everyone and then spend the day flustered and rushed. It’s seeing people on different days and spacing out time longer and not just spending it all with your family as that’s what you’ve done your whole life. My husband didn’t celebrate Christmas exclusively until he was 19 with me so it’s been odd for both of us to find what works but we’ve found what works for us.

We enjoy shopping for family together and when we both worked we payed half for everyone’s presents except each other’s. We enjoy wrapping family presents together and giving them together. We enjoy being together at Christmas and not a part. I’ve been in relationships previously when I’ve not spent Christmas with my other half and it’s felt wrong and I’d never imagine not spending Christmas with my other half now even if some people have no choice. We just love spending time together over the Christmas season and enjoying being a family together with everyone else. We love cuddling up watching films and laughing with others and eating copious amounts of food. This year we most defiantly are going to spend more of Christmas together as a couple/family and spend at our house and try to make our own traditions. We may pop to grandparents quickly but have invited them to ours as we’d prefer to stay home this year or it’ll be a quick visit and day visit for Boxing Day. It’ll be exciting this year as Elijah is understanding Christmas more so we’ll be able to spend Christmas playing with him and relaxing at home a bit more than running with a screaming infant! What have you all got planned for Christmas?!

It’s not hard leaving a job but it is hard leaving your colleagues.

by Charlie-Jane, posted in lifestyle

It’s quite easy to leave a job especially when you feel it is no longer the right fit for you. But why is it that we get a sinking feeling when we leave. It is because we leave our colleagues. Colleagues become friends and like a second family. They’re there everyday you come to work with a smile on their faces and ears to listen. For some reason if you have a close enough relationship with your colleagues you end up telling them everything. We tell them our life story and they share our experiences. I remember sharing my pregnancy, engagement and marriage with my colleagues as I grew and it was lovely to share it with others.

The sad thing is in reality once you leave you feel a sense of guilt. A sense of duty that you should of stayed and in leaving you feel you have betrayed them. Once you have left you miss them. It’s hard not to miss people you’ve spent the last few years of your life getting to know. I felt lost when I left. My sense of purpose was gone and the longer I’ve been of the more I miss everyone. I miss laughing with my colleagues and talking. I was interested in others life’s even if they where bored by mine and would never admit it.

Also a lot of people who you worked with and eventually called friends stop trying. You try and try and just have to accept some people no longer seem to want to be friends when they’re not somewhat obliged to be. This has hurt me and made me feel horrid and have been second guessing myself. I’ve felt alone and like I’m to blame which I’m some respects I must be but I’ve just got to accept people are busy with work and when you don’t work with them that’s that I guess. I have however made some friends for life who I continue to see often and love to spend time with catching up for coffee or meals every now and then. Sometimes I regret leaving work not because of the job because I came to feel it was not right for me but because I miss all of my colleagues so much. I miss the friendships and bonds I had. I miss hearing about my colleagues and having new and exciting conversations everyday.

It’s important to have time as a couple after having a child

by Charlie-Jane, posted in lifestyle

Having a child inevitably creates a shared responsibility and lack of time together as a twosome. Although you wouldn’t change it for the world your life quite simply becomes a little more hectic. There’s no last minute trips to the cinemas at 8pm to watch a film, no more Staying up till 3 am chatting or out for dinner all the time. It’s finding childcare and enjoying a few hours of peace where you just unwind and spend half the time completely exhausted.

Sometimes it’s really important to just have time together! Be it when the child’s in bed shoving a movie on and snuggling up together on the sofa, or going out for dinner. It’s important to have some time just the two of you. If you can get childcare then utilise it as much as you can and try to make time to spend just the two of you. It’s important to remember why you fell in love in the first place. It’s important to remember what you where like as a twosome before you came more than that. You need grown up conversation even if the conversation always comes back to the kid.

So make time for each other, love each other and don’t take each other for granted.

My hopes for 2020…

by Charlie-Jane, posted in family life, lifestyle

Something I always do is look to the future, I try to find things to get excited about and it makes time go that little bit easier. One thing I always like about the end of the year is setting goals and hopes for the next year coming. It may be Silly as we all know soon enough it’s February and you’ve forgotten the promises you’ve made to yourself and you’re feeling worse for not doing what you set out to do. Never the less I always try anyway.

This year my hopes and plans are a bit easier and simpler. Things I can easily achieve and not let myself down a few days later. Things that would make me happy instead of stressed to achieve.

My first resolution as you where would be to be happy. Yes I know it’s a bit of a long shot but I want to start appreciating my life a little bit more and being alive. I want to enjoy my family and myself as I exist on this big sphere we call home. I want to stop stressing about so many little things and let things go a bit more. I can easily achieve this by turning my phone off and relaxing a bit more. Spending more time present and thinking things through. I can also achieve this by talking through negative thoughts I have instead of suffering in silence and that in itself is a hope for me too.

I want to eat healthier. I always say I want to loose weight and end up setting myself a impossible diet. I want to enjoy food and cut down on bad things not cut them out all together. By adapting this and a meat free day into my diet I think I can achieve a bit more freedom and also a healthier outcome. Any weight I loose will be a plus and I don’t have to constantly worry I’m not loosing enough every time I weigh myself.

To have more me time, since becoming a mother I never have a minuite to myself especially since becoming a stay at home mother. I want to spend more time alone, be it having a hour to sit and watch telly alone at night or go out with friends. I just want to have more time to myself where I’m not just mum or wife. Even taking more baths and walks would do wonders for this.

I want to find a hobby. I don’t want to set out looking for some random thing but something new to learn that I may think of trying would be nice but not putting pressure on myself to stick to it or complete it.

I think another easier one is to try and get out more, to leave the house more even if it’s not to see people. To go out more just me and Elijah and enjoy this time before he’s suddenly in nursery and I’m alone in the day.

Overall I just want to be more positive and not out to much pressure on myself to enjoy my life I’m blessed to have.

Planning a gender neutral birthday party..

by Charlie-Jane, posted in family life, lifestyle

My little guy turned two recently and his little best friend also turned two aswell so we decided to share a birthday party to keep costs low. Having a girl and boy share a party is a bit harder then the same gender because you’ve got to find a theme which is not to girly or manly. We came together and decided a jungle theme would be best. I was in charge of decorations while my friend was in charge of food and party bags.

I brought some lovely bits from amazon including banners, balloons and tassles to make banners. I brought bits to make a bunting and we also brought some artificial leaves to decorate the place. We brought some table covers and the paper plates and cups from Asda which where great and did the job perfectly! The napkins brought from tiger as they had tigers on and where a bit different then normal bits. I decorated and everyone helped and it came together really well. We hired a hall and a bouncy castle ball pit soft play so it went really well as the soft play had animals on so all matched. I would recommend soft play again to anyone thinking of arranging a party as the children absolutely loved it and played the whole time.

Although the party was a great success I don’t think we’d do another joint party as towards the end we both wanted a bit more involvements in bits. I wanted to help with food a bit more and my friend wanted more girly pink banners which wouldn’t of works having a theme. We made it work however and the day was a bit and everyone had fun. Next year I think we’ll just have a trip to soft play and order the kids a pizza!

Mum guilt when children hurt themselves.

by Charlie-Jane, posted in family life, lifestyle

Yesterday Elijah and I had gone for a nice trip to the park to feed the ducks and run around. All was going well until Elijah fell over on the path. He didn’t seem to hit the floor hard but when I stood him up he was bleeding and crying a heart wrenching cry. Immediately I felt awfull and like I could of done something to stop this from happening. In reality he would of fell over no matter what and there’s nothing I could of done as it was a complete accident. Elijah fell and his tooth cut through his lip to the other side and scraped his chin at the same time. now it’s starting to scab over everytime I look at him I feel so helpless and can’t help but keep cuddling him even if he’s completely fine. I feel absolutely awful for no logical reason whatsoever.

I always say to my friends when they’re kids hurt them self’s it’s not their fault and can’t be avoided but here I am sat in a mountain of guilt. Could I have dived for the floor to catch him when I didn’t even know he’d fall? Could I wrap him up in bubble wrap, a helmet and shin pads and send him out like that? Obviously I know kids are going to bump and hurt them self’s. They’re super clumsy and it’s how they learn to say for example not to run head first into a wall or nose dive down a slide. I think I’ll always be this over protective mother who feels pain when my son does like my heart weighs ten times the amount it should. I’ll always end up feeling terrible his hurt himself and giving him snacks or toys to make it better but that’s just me. I just have to accept he’s learning and accidents happen especially to his beautiful little face!

Trip to the transport museum.

by Charlie-Jane, posted in family life, lifestyle

This weekend we took a trip back in time with a little trip to the transport museum. Old fire engines to prams you name it the transport museum had it. It’s very local to our town so we got to see things used in our town and even go on a very old bus that used to go down the road from us!

Elijah absolutely loved looking at all the buses and police cars. He got to go on a old fire engine and ring the bell and wear a hat! We went in all sorts of buses and to the top of double deckers where we could see the whole of the museum. We even had a go on a kids bus where he could do everything a bus driver does and he absolutely adored it! His favourite part was obviously the steering wheel!

It’s strange to see how things have changed as times gone on. It’s hard to think these buses where capable of driving around and how much cheaper bus fair used to be! Also how much more uncomfortable chairs have become, the first bus we sat on had chairs like a sofa on! The place was all lit up for Christmas and Santa was there but the que was round the building so we avoided the Santa bus! We went outside and James and Elijah where lucky enough to go in a old fire engine for a drive! When they returned we went on a very old big red double decker which my little bus mad guy loved. We went to the top and Elijah sat staring out of the window the whole way singing as we went along. I can say now that buses drive a lot better these days it was a very bumpy ride!

We had a lovely day and it was a cheep day out. There was a cafe and colouring too. Perfect place to take children who are into buses and emergency vehicles for a day out! We will come again!

It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas!

by Charlie-Jane, posted in Uncategorized

Finally it’s somewhat acceptable to officially go into christmas overdrive. The glistening of fairy lights on a tree is something that for some reason brings a warm fuzzy feeling which melts my frozen heart. The time has come to decorate the house and cuddle up under the twinkling of the tinsel to watch films with a cup of hot chocolate.

The presents are wrapped, the tree is dressed and a bauble has already been broken. I am looking forward to this Christmas because Elijah is starting to understand what’s happening. He’s just celebrated his second birthday and is understanding the giving and opening of presents. He can open his presents well and understands there’s something in the sparkly little boxes. We’ve spent this morning looking at the Christmas tree and Elijah is very inquisitive about the tree and the baubles and remembered the ones he made. I’m looking forward to finally taking Elijah to meet Santa and getting to know the magic of Christmas. I’m looking forward to making Christmas cookies, doing more Christmas crafts and activity’s. I’m looking forward to days out and spending time as a family. I’m excited to create more traditions each year which one day Elijah might pass on to his children.

I love walking through the town at night under the beautiful Christmas lights and getting a festive hot drink. The town feels happier when Christmas is near and less scary in the dark lit up under a warm glow. This year I’m planning to stay home and enjoy being a family. We always go to others houses and although I love spending Christmas as part of big happy family I want to experience one where we can relax and take it at our own pace. Where people can come ours and relax. Where we can say when dinners on the table and not have to avoid drink all day due to James driving. A Christmas where we get to choose what to watch and relax all day. We’re looking forward to Elijah receiving his gifts and opening them slowly. I’m looking forward to perhaps taking Elijah to the park and rewarding it with a hot chocolate and a film. We will enjoy Elijah playing with his toys and getting to be a kid again. We will enjoy going to others houses and spending time with friends and family while giving the gifts you’ve put lots of thought and love into! I’m so excited for this Christmas so here’s to Christmas 2019 being everything we want it to be.